Still alive, beyond comfort of man or spirit

Thank you to everyone who left me comments or emails or anything. All much appreciated. Sorry I haven’t written back.

I am, indeed, still alive. In fact, the longer days are making some things easier. But I don’t feel better, am not getting better, am just biding time, this version of bardo, laced with apathy and terror. I started Wellbutrin intermittently again. The shrink has pretty much given up on me – tells me to just prescribe for myself and take whatever I want, because that’s what I’m going to do anyway. Not true, but it is very difficult to argue with a shrink.

Except when it isn’t, like the last time I was there, and ended up yelling at him for an hour straight. I feel bad, couldn’t have been very pleasant, but still, throwing psychodynamic interpretation shit at someone in my condition…well, seems like that’s asking for yelling. “Why are you so angry?”

Well, I guess I’m still angry about the borderline comment.

I wish my shrink weren’t so complicit with my self-punishment.

* * *

I woke up after a weekend of physical pain; unfortunately my GP is out until next week. I called the shrink  but then hung up on the answering machine.

Maybe, since I obviously am not going to work today, I should try writing something. I’ve thought of what I need to write, but haven’t been able to care enough, to drag up the energy, to do it. Which, in and of itself, is probably loaded with unconscious meaning that I also can’t quite seem to bring myself to care about.

* * *
Also, I have about 6 more weeks before finishing a certain stage in my training, after which I will have vacation. I have decided to try my hardest to avoid suicide until after that point, so that they can’t say that it was the pressure of the job or that I couldn’t take it or anything like that. Because, God knows, it isn’t that. It is me, all me.

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9 Comments

  1. I think you should analyze yourself less and concentrate on your medications more. Analyzing everything you do and say and have done and have said can be pretty futile. You need to consistently take a good antidepressant and a mood stabilizer and get on the right dose and give them enough time to start working. That is going to take weeks in the case of the antidepressants. The mood stabilizer will work more quickly.

    I am manic depressive and have Borderline Personality Disorder. You can ask me any questions you want, but I tell you that acceptance and knowledge about your disorders is the most important thing. You need to know as much as your psychiatrist does about them.

    Stop being so angry and start getting better and really give the medications a chance.

  2. I’m sorry your feeling at rock bottom at the moment. Don’t be angry with the psychiatrist, even though they are supposed to understand our disorders they still can’t know the fight for your soul that goes on in your head because its a truly personal experience and they are not experiencing the emotions we are going through.

    Some days I find it best not to try and fight our own demons, just accept that you have them today and try and do some relaxing things: have a bath, cook yourself something warm and comforting and settle down to a good book or film.

    Hoping you get slightly brighter soon.

  3. The last two times I saw my psychiatrist I found myself very annoyed at him, verging on anger. He’s a nice guy, he just wants to diagnose people and give them meds – that’s his job. But it annoys me.

    I’m sorry you’re feeling so down right now.

  4. I hope the wellbutrin kicks in. I liked it for depression ALOT but am not dx’d bipolar. I lost alot of weight on it and had plenty of energy.

  5. Hi Sara,
    I am glad to see you writing again. Please know there are options that are difficult to see in the middle of so much pain. There are other psychiatrists you could see before making an irreversible decision to go. I know that sometimes we feel conflicted about our treatment, sometimes it is difficult to understand and to see the big picture when we are so ill.

    It might help for you to get away, take a vacation away from where you are, plan to go somewhere exotic, somewhere you can just be.

    I’m worried for you and hope you will consider other options and other resources.
    hugs,
    …aqua

  6. Sack the psychatrist and look for another.

    Whatever reason you choose to hold on for, it is a good reason.

    {{{{{Sara}}}}}

  7. It’s unfair that the “normal” people are allowed and encouraged to feel anger and express it, and we are pathologised and chastised for expressing our understandable rage.

    I’m glad to see you back. x

  8. Stay here with all of us and play just a bit more, don’t go home yet…

    Much Much Much Love Girl

    Dave

  9. I have been following your blog for a while now, and while I haven’t left comments, I would like you to know how much I appreciate reading about your struggle.

    As a professional with a chronic health issue (thought it was depression, but my psychiatrist isn’t so sure now), I don’t know how to deal with the stigma of mental illness in the health profession. We aren’t supposed to be patients, are we?

    You are in my prayers. Please don’t give up. Our family has lost two people to suicide and it is an awful legacy.

    Before you take any drastic steps, maybe first
    -take a long holiday
    -watch all of the original Star Trek episodes on video
    -sit on a beach
    -stay with family or friends for a little while, let someone else take care of you
    -adopt a puppy
    -watch you tube videos of puppies and kittens

    You get the point… All I am trying to say is that you have touched me through your writing, and I’m sure you help many other people in your career as a carer. You are too valuable to lose.

    I understand how awful it can be – because God knows I’m near the end of my rope – but please hang on and please keep writing.


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