In somnium veritas

I thought this blog was getting too self-centered, but it seems like people are likely to visit any blog that is regularly updated. So here’s a dream update. Why can’t I listen to my gut, my dreams? Especially when they tell me something I already know.

It’s the end of an appointment with the shitty shrink. I get up, head for the door as usual. As I get there, he stands next to me at his work table and I look over as I’m on the threshold, and see that he is doing something so unprofessional, so inappropriate, some total violation of medical ethics, something illegal. I’m not sure what it is – maybe something I see written on something on the desk, but I know that it means that unequivocally there is no way I’m coming back. And I’m glad. The decision has been made for me, that I have proof of what I suspected all along – that I should not be there.

So much pathology in this that I don’t even know where to start. One, if I know this, what the fuck keeps me from acting on it? Why does a situation have to get to full-on abuse before I say enough? This echoes so many situations in my life, such as my partner. How bad does our relationship have to be before I say “enough” if even now I know it isn’t right? Or being a doctor?

I also wanted to thank everyone who has commented. I am always happy to hear that someone else can relate, might have found a bit of comfort or sympathy or feeling like they aren’t the only one in the world to live through this shit. I guess the way to get more readers is to write regularly. I will try to be better. I had a mild hypomanic blip (let’s hope for that to continue) as I dropped the lithium dose after the accidents started again. Most of the writing inspiration during that will not be for writing here, I don’t think. But thank you nonetheless for reading and commenting. Believe me, I have been helped by this blog far more than I have given help. And I’ve learned a tremendous amount about psych medications…I suppose the internet is a good counter to the drug company propaganda. Maybe I should open a site: “Where to Go When Your Wonder Drug Isn’t.”

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7 Comments

  1. I like your idea for a website. I feel I have been helped more on my blog too, vs. helping others, but I also see that there is help in expressing myself (and you expressing yourself) openly. The openess is almost like group therapy. I see others struggle with similar issues and slowly learn from them.

    For instance your dream. It is great insight that you ask yourself how much do you have to take before enough is enough? and why does it take the situation being the worst before you manage to take steps to change it. I do exactly that. Your writing makes me think about what I do and where/how I might work towards changing that about myself.

    You do help people by honestly and openly sharing your story. Isn’t that why we find some books or movies especially moving or insightful? Because we see a part of ourselves in the story.
    …aqua

  2. All the more reason for you to continue to help people… either through your blog, your professional work, or however else you choose to do it.

  3. Sara.. it is Milo here. I think you might know me from coming to bj’s blog a lot and leaving heaps of comments there. I have a tiny little place too where i sort of write. i shit a lot about my psychiatrist. come over there sometimes… It might help to know that someone is going through the same thing. p.s no one reads my blog either! probably coz i write so shitty!

  4. Hi Milo, thanks for stopping by. I’ll go take a look at your stuff.

  5. If you write regularly and honestly from your gut feelings, people will come and read you and react. That’s my own personal experience. Sometimes people just lurk, but you have to draw them in to comment by putting a dilemma in front of them that they will react to. Because people want to react, but sometimes are afraid to for sounding stupid or silly.

  6. I’ve got a lot of crap from my extended hypomanic month that I’ve got to plow through to see if any of it’s any good– but I hope you can follow your dream and give this bad shrink the boot.

  7. I think youve developed a pretty confrontational transference relationship with your therapist. Its not your fault, it can happen. Might be time to decide between challenging this thing head-on via that relationship OR seeing a female therapist and going at it with some help from someone thats been there.


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