Why did I even say it? Fuck

I had to say things were better. I just had to.

Now I’m with no sleep, constant suicidal fantasies and plans, writhing around in physical dis-ease, and nothing is working.

And I’m afraid to call the shrink because he’ll say this amped up state is from the desipramine and make me quit it. I think it’s more from stopping lithium too suddenly.

I can’t seem to wrap my head around how just two months ago I was fine, had a full life, and now, again, all the sudden, I’m nothing but doctor’s appointments, medications, and misery. Symptoms and sadness. I need another alliteration.

It’s like I feared – the medication managed to give me a few good years, no more. I’m back to my old life. I did not miss it. I guess I could always go back to the old med and just live in the dark. That is sounding more and more appealing.

This post is pretty much the worst of the world of blogging. Sorry.

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7 Comments

  1. oh Sara, again, i wish i knew what to say….except, please hang on and know how much i care and want you to feel better, ’cause you mean sooo much.
    love, tracy

  2. “I can’t seem to wrap my head around how just two months ago I was fine, had a full life, and now, again, all the sudden, I’m nothing but doctor’s appointments, medications, and misery. Symptoms and sadness….It’s like I feared – the medication managed to give me a few good years, no more. I’m back to my old life. I did not miss it. ”

    I can relate. I can relate so much and so well. I wish I could sit with you in a coffee shop, or in one of our homes and just…be together. Because I understand so, so completely. I am so sorry for you, for both of us, that is happening, that this hell has to be a part – and all too often the whole – of our lives.

    I am thinking of you.

  3. I know it sucks, and I know it’s hard–I hope it starts to subside soon, that the tides are more ebb and less flow. I’m thinking of you, too.

  4. Please do hang in there. Anyone you know got some valium or lorazapam they can give you? It has gotten me through many a inter-med mood swing.

  5. Thanks everyone. I am wondering – I’m not even gettting any side effects from the new med, making me think it ain’t enough. AND I think I got burned a little at work last night.

    Tracy – thanks for everything…stay in touch, keep me updated about your course.

    Sarah – I wish the same.

    JB – thanks. Me too. I guess everyone including you seems to really like lamictal, though this week they released all the data (not just what they published) and for the one that said it works for bipolar depression, there were four of equal size and quality that said it didn’t. I also really liked what you wrote somewhere about not knowing how to study anymore when you aren’t flying.

    BPLC – I do have some benzos around, maybe even a little of the good ones. I’ve been trying not to take them because, believe it or not, I’m still functioning and trying to get shit done. If I take them at night they wreck the next day for me. I’m thinking of taking one this weekend, just to get some sleep. I just…don’t know, see it as moral defeat or something, though I’m not above moral defeat if it makes this storm calm for a while. Mostly, I am just still somehow trying to get work done.

  6. I know the groggy feeling very well. Sometimes a half an 1/2 mg ativan will get me the sleep I need without making me hungover the next day, and keep me calm through lunchtime. By the time I work myself up to a fever pitch, it’s usually 4pm and nearly time to go home. It does feel like admitting failure, though, and it is important to try to continue to get work done, to keep as much normalcy as going. A few times, though, I chose ooky and spacey over not getting out of bed at all– I felt like it was better to inflict my groggy self on others than stay under the covers. Keep up the hard work, I’m rooting for you. When you’re through it, you will in turn be able to make a hell of a difference in someone else’s life.

  7. Hey, Haven’t heard from you in a while…yes, i am concerned, no make that worried…i hope you are okay. i miss you and want you to know i am thinking of you and hoping that things are getting better.
    be well ,Sparkle, tracy


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