Lithium freak out

Last night I woke up in a strange, activated state. The lights had a halo around them, my ears were ringing, and my coordination was shot – tremor, and not just my hands.

I felt like I was going to die, like my brain was on fire.  Nothing was coherent but all was going too fast. This, after weeks of a mind empty of thought.  And at a lithium level of 0.4, last check.

What the fuck was that? Too much and toxicity? Not enough and some breakthrough psych phenomenon?  The only relevant thing I found in a pharm textbook lying around was that the levels, despite how they make a big deal about them, are guidelines, and people can go toxic on a lot less, or take a massive amount and not. That you should deal with the patient, not the lab value.

And now that I drank a lot of water in a panic last night and didn’t take a morning dose, it seems to be better. I don’t know now even whether to call the doctor or just wait for the appointment in a few days. But I don’t think I can bring myself to swallow another pill.

I hate how my life has descended into revolving only around medication, function levels, and illness. I’m hardly a person anymore, just a black box to pour drugs into.



  1. oh, Sara, i don’t know what to say…i am so sad for you…in my eyes, you are so much an amazing, achomplished (i know, there’s that word again, but since i n e v e r feel it) wonderful, caring person, it aches to see you suffer so. you will never, never be …” just a black box to pour drugs into.”, however, i know that is how you feel and nothing i can say will help you feel otherwise…you’ll never know how much i wish i could help change the way you feel…bring back the spark. Please know how much you mean to me and how very much i care,
    love, tracy

  2. Thanks for saying that.

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