And this is how I lose my mind

The appointment is tomorrow. This waiting is driving me crazy. I am feeling both giddy and silly, never a good sign, and not sleeping. Physically, I feel horrific from not having enough of my good drugs in me.

And this morning, I woke up and needed to consult something I wrote a couple of years ago, written in a moment when I felt good, had everything figured out. It was a moment of peace and clarity, and I made sure to record every detail, so that later, I wouldn’t lose it, the details wouldn’t get erased, or changed over time.

And now I can’t find the fucking thing. I lost the “in case of emergency, break glass” box that I had left for myself. My message in a bottle to myself. How could I lose this? I can’t even remember where it was supposed to be.

I keep a lot of diaries, idea notebooks, draft books, mostly just randomly opening whichever is closest to fill in the details before I forget. One is always by the side of the bed, with a pen at the ready.

This particular version of “How to Save My Own Life” came from a dream, a dream that gave me great peace, changed my life, taught me a great lesson. I wrote it down, to not forget the details. I found one version of me rewriting it on the computer, but it isn’t the full one. Even this shadow version reminded me of details I had forgotten…big things.

I have been tearing the place apart all morning, and the writing appears in none of the notebooks I thought it did. They all don’t even contain writing from the same time period. How could this have vanished? I don’t even remember having another, yet unfound, notebook that it might be in.

I am not sure which part of this means that I am losing my mind: that I lost such an important talisman, can’t remember where I inscribed it, or that I needed it in the first place because I couldn’t remember even such a critical piece on my own, or that I ascribe such significance to its loss.  Or that this physical withdrawal is so bad that I cannot keep looking for it without getting dizzy and out of breath, that knowing that it is so crucial, I cannot keep seeking. Isn’t that the definition of giving up? Not being able to keep swimming toward your life raft? Knowing that what you need to survive is near, but being unable to reach it?


1 Comment

  1. No… I don’t think it means you’ve lost your mind. I think it means you’re having a bad day. Whenever you stop looking for something, then you’ll find it.

    And the definition of giving up is consciously choosing to stop seeking – not doing so because you have no other choice. I think you can do this, though – actually, I know you can. You have it in you.

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