Lasciate ogne speranza, voi ch’intrate

I guess it’s time to find a new med. I cannot function anymore. Even worse than the feeling is the mental slowing.

I’ve been doing a lot of the work that is sort of para-work from my actual field – the customer stuff, intrapersonal crap, all that. It’s been fun, but today, there was a serious yet simple technical issue, something I should know cold. I had no idea. I couldn’t scan my memory, just could not make my mind move.

I was semi-ok for the rest of the day, though the co-workers commented, and I hid from this boss lady who is just scary, because my ego couldn’t take yelling from her. So I just did crappy tasks that no one else wanted to all day. That was ok, actually.

But then I got home, and hit the sofa, and I am also getting over some plague-like disease that someone from one of those visiting offices gave me and I’m physically exhausted, and also can’t really exercise which is another thing making this worse, and I put Napoleon Dynamite on, just for something inocuous to watch, with maybe a few laughs, and it was sweet, and just the right thing, and I fell asleep, which felt good, but then I woke up with this vague, yet crushing agony. I found myself lying on the sofa, literally writhing in some kind of pain that I could not identify.

So – agony + mind-numbing stupidity = problem.

What the fuck am I going to do now?

Other than that, I’ve been reading a little about Byron, decided I need to read his works. The excerpts are good. And I feel sorry for him, but on the other hand I envy his money and social status that allowed him to indulge his nature. I’d love to buy a set of peacocks, a chariot. I’m also reading Lie Down In Darkness by William Styron because I liked Darkness Visible so well, but this I’m liking less. It’s just another one of those Southern tragedies. Not that it’s not good, but it almost feels like a cariacature of the genre. And the racism is hard to take. I know, it’s Southern, different times, but it’s brutal, at least sometimes or for someone of the touchy-feely 1990s generation.


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