Still here

Yeah, I’m still around. It’s just that the going back to work and all that is killing me. I am very tired…even though I slept a lot this weekend. I wish I could just sleep well for once.

I am also now a couple of weeks with no meds. I forgot the actual physical feelings that come back that good meds treat – the mysterious pains, fatigue, heaviness in the limbs. How goddamn hard everything gets. Tonight I came home and slept a little on the couch. I need to empty the dishwasher, and do the dishes in the sink. I’m not being overly ambitious. But even those things seem impossible.

Heh, the opening posts of this blog were so ambitious and purposeful. Now, I’m reduced to whining. I guess it was bound to happen. That’s ok, though. That’s what this blog is for. I promise that once I start feeling better, I’ll put more life advice up here.

I read something about the post-depression shame: it’s sort of like after a bad night of drinking. You have to go back and figure out what you did to whom, in front of which people. I already am seeing the effects. Huge blowup with my main doctor, embarrassment at minor meltdown in front of Jake. The worst thing after these storms blow over is the cleanup, the aftermath, the realizing that I have acted like a totally crazy person (which is fair enough, because I guess I am one). I hope I manage to get through this time without fucking up too badly or too publicly.

Oddly enough, that gets easier with time, because the memories of GREAT SHAME from previous times are a great motivator to keeping your shit together in public at all costs. Lessons learned the hard way. Miles to go. All that.

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2 Comments

  1. Friend of ours phoned us up and started saying wild things. We went round to his house, he didn’t answer the door. Later found out he’d been picked up by the police naked in the street at night. We know he’s ill, so our only reaction to this is to worry about what could have happened.

  2. Hi anonymous. Wish you’d left more information or linking or something. Or more of the story. Thanks for writing, anyway.


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