Last night I exercised hard. I slept almost all day, did almost nothing. I slept outside a bit, got a lot of sunshine at least. Tried going for an exercise walk with a friend, but was just too slowed. But somehow, in the evening, I managed to drag myself onto the machine, and also do some weight training. It felt great. I guess you really do have to do it every day for the difference. I slept ok, even though I went to bed late and slept most of the day.

And somehow, today I got up flying. The neighbor’s car alarm went off for about 15 minutes, making it impossible to keep sleeping. Since I’ve been up, I’ve been on the phone to insurance companies, am writing a work letter I’ve put off for months, ate breakfast, started hitting my “to-do” list. I wanted to do some writing on projects that really inspire me that I haven’t worked on in months. I bought not one, but two kites on impulse yesterday. Then I came home and searched the internet for an even bigger third kite that they didn’t have at the store!

But I also have that sort of scary swinging feeling. The one that comes out when things are shifting. You feel sort of like you are on the edge of a cliff, ready to fall or to fly, and you’re just not sure what is coming. (Hmmm, I really like that metaphor.) I am scared of this feeling. It feels out of control. You never know if you are going to crash or suddenly be flying, or be in the worst place – agitated with tons of extra energy, but feeling bad.

I am a control freak. I do not like this feeling. I am tired of spinning, not knowing who I will be when I wake up. I am scared, that one or the other of my crazies will come at a very bad time, a time I need to function well.

But maybe that’s just my baseline personality. Maybe when I’m not horribly depressed, I’m tons of fun, funny, witty, exuberant about life. This has always been the problem – are my highs damaging? I get all my best work done during them. I pick up language textbooks and learn new languages fast when I’m like this. I mean, sure, there are definitely little bad things like the incessant talking. It must be like hanging out with someone on coke. But that’s when I write, I actually work on the novel I want to write someday, when I do good work in my field, when I can learn new things at a rate that dazzles everyone, that I can convince everyone to jump on board for a wild idea.

For example, the time before last when I was high, I somehow – God knows why – got it into my head that I wanted to learn to fly a small airplane around the world. For about 2 months, I drove everyone apeshit about small airplanes. No matter what they said, I’d swing the conversation immediately back to how cool it was to fly around the world. It drove everyone crazy. It was surely at least a little insane.

Get this – now a friend and I are enrolled in a small aircraft pilot course. The friend now also wants to fly around the world. And I’m afraid to fly. Is this a good thing? Should my crazy be so contagious? And is it good that I’m getting this license? Saying you flew yourself around the world is cool. It is probably a very cool experience. But why the hell am I off doing it, randomly, with no connection to anything in my life, and even, in fact, when I’m somewhat afraid of it? I mean, I never do anything dangerous-crazy when I’m high. In fact, except for the irritation I feel, the agitation and anxiety, and how I probably drive people around me nuts, I end up doing a lot of cool things from it.

Now I debate going to my GP. I also debate lithium. The thing is, I work in a field that requires a license. I’m not an air traffic controller or anything like that, but there is a background/medical check. I am afraid of having that on my record. I would never endanger anyone; I’m not that bad off, but the stigma is so bad.

And I’m scared again. Where am I going?


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