Better?

I spent most of the last two days just lying in bed. The funny thing is, they always tell depressed people to keep doing stuff, but I’ve found that sometimes, if you just give in all the way, lie in bed (not in the dark though – with plenty of sunlight), even if you can’t sleep and you know you should be up doing stuff – if you let yourself just lie there, because it feels so good, and DO NOT let yourself feel guilty about it, after a few days, you start to feel better. Yesterday, I got up and actually ate a plate of food like a normal human being…which I hadn’t done in weeks. I was hungry, sort of.

So much of the misery is compounded by guilt about it. Let yourself indulge in the suicide fantasies. Do whatever. Once I stopped feeling bad for feeling like that, it felt ok just to lie there.

Which sort of pisses me off about the modern world. There’s just no time or place for rest, to accomodate diverse human tempraments. I’m super productive most of the time…and I do see the down time as sort of a balance to that, the other side of the coin. And it seems that if I don’t keep trying to “shake it off,” it lifts alone eventually too.

Of course, this is easy to say now, during a mild depression, rather than an agitated, miserable one. As things are lifting, I’m writing this and eating a plate of food again as breakfast. I’m considering even coffee, hoping that it won’t send me into a spiral of panic. Hopefully, I’m not jinxing myself by writing this.

I’m almost sorry I took the next two weeks off. A few days of lying in bed helped a lot. It’s so easy for my manic side to peek back out. But it’s better I stay around taking it easy for a little longer.

And – my insane wish for some friends to swoop in and understand and save me or “understand me” or whatever has faded. I’m back to being embarrassed I even left a message asking for Jake to call me just to talk next week.

Here are some more survival tips:

– Pamper yourself during these days. Do not blame yourself or feel guilty when it feels right to just not move. If you are functioning reasonably well in life, you should be allowed to take the universe’s darker moods as well.

– Eat good dark chocolate. It helps mood and lowers blood pressure.

– Even if you haven’t showered in days, spray the sheets or yourself with a perfume or scent you like. It doesn’t have to be expensive – I’m using a $2 bottle of grapefruit scented body spray from the grocery store that disappears two minutes after you use it. It makes you feel more human, reminds you of your normal self.

One more post, and I’m back to bed. Guilt-free.

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