My first real post, beyond the introduction, my foray into how to look Super when you aren’t

One thing that I think a lot of people who feel like me haven’t learned is how to fake relationships. Unhappy people feel lonely, and that just makes them more unhappy. I used to be like that. I was unpopular, and the problem is, when you feel so shitty, all you want to do is bitch about it. This tends to turn people off, to drive them away. Then you just end up lonelier and worse off than you started.

The biggest change for me came when I read Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People. It is truly a great book, one that changed my life. It is unfortunate that it has a name that sounds so manipulative, because it really is a book about loving people. The bottom line is that when you meet someone, no matter how intimidating or scary or boring they seem, you can find something to love about them, a human side. Everybody wants to be liked. Everybody feels awkward sometimes, everybody feels like a kid.

It really helped me come out of my shell. I used to be very shy and lonely and awkward. I worked hard, and learned how to make people feel comfortable with me. My vocation requires that, and I am now often admired for this by my peers. They send me in whenever difficult client relations come up. My best friend from the field says that he wishes he could be like me in that. It’s funny, because I so wish I could be like him…I love him very much as a friend, as a person. He’s humble and good and sure of himself and knows where he’s been and who he is, and is really a good-hearted person, as opposed to someone who fakes it like me. He is what I wish I could be. I secretly think he’s too good to really be my friend.

I think Philo, who was some kind of philosopher, said the quote of the day, something like: Treat people kindly, because everyone you meet is engaged in a great struggle. I like that. And it’s a great lesson in life. I try to live by it. It’s hard for me though, because I’m naturally kind of bitchy. But I’m working on it. I wish I were naturally generous or kind. I wish it didn’t all come so hard.

Anyway, where was I going? Oh yeah. If you don’t want to be lonely, you have to cover up and hide your dark side. Even though you think that a real friend will love you even with all that, it’s kind of a lot to ask of people. You have to just put away all your shit, and act like everyone else. Be cheerful, be happy to see people, even if you aren’t really. Once you can do that, you’ll have lots of friends. You won’t be nearly as lonely.

I know because this is what I did. But lately, since my mood has been crashing again, I really wish that I could just cry on someone’s shoulder. But I can’t do it with all these new friends. They are all super themselves; they only know Super Sara. I can’t be Sad Sara with them. Certainly not Suicidal Sara. I’m away on business lately, and that’s been hard, because I don’t have them to make me laugh every day. So when I’m in touch with them, I’ve sort of been hinting about not feeling so well to them, but I know they don’t want to hear it.

And there’s the rub.

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