Lithium Carbonate Shells

It was a harsh night in the ER. A rate of something like three chest pains per hour between 3 and 6 AM.
The doc who went on after me last time was there. Of course, that patient had not had a stroke, so that was just my crazy.
One thing I am jealous of is how [...]

In somnium veritas

I thought this blog was getting too self-centered, but it seems like people are likely to visit any blog that is regularly updated. So here’s a dream update. Why can’t I listen to my gut, my dreams? Especially when they tell me something I already know.
It’s the end of an appointment with the shitty shrink. [...]

I have a secret

This is the kind of thing I never admit. Not hardhearted, icy, witchy I.
Now, unmedicated, working so hard late into the night and into the madrugada, when I feel desparate, tired, worn-out and broken down at not even thirty, late in the dark, sometimes when I close my eyes but am too tired to sleep, [...]

And this is how I lose my mind

The appointment is tomorrow. This waiting is driving me crazy. I am feeling both giddy and silly, never a good sign, and not sleeping. Physically, I feel horrific from not having enough of my good drugs in me.
And this morning, I woke up and needed to consult something I wrote a couple of years ago, [...]

And I’m high again

It feels good, actually, except for the no sleep part, and maybe the slight misuse of stimulants to keep it going. I am a little worried about what I know will come later – the crash, but for now, I’m alive so fuck it all.
That’s why I haven’t written on this blog; I’ve been amazingly [...]

Rage Dreams

When I was a kid, when I had nightmares, they were often the “being chased by something you can’t escape” type.
For the last few years, I have less fear dreams, and more rage dreams. The content is not consistent, but the tone is – I am furious, sometimes screaming at someone, sometimes physically trying to [...]

The mantra: It could be worse

Things are still hard. My brain is still stuck. Mornings are still hell. Things still swing around a lot, like last night, when I really wanted to go to bed, but suddenly just had to run and also write about something funny that happened to me yesterday on my regular blog. So I went to [...]