Yet another Shrink’s Line of the Day

Yesterday I decide that I feel bad about quitting the shrink all abruptly and in a rage. That I didn’t want to end like that, if just out of politeness. I really wanted to call and leave a message apologizing, and wishing him a happy holiday. I said that I was going to be the [...]

Here we go again

New appointment.
New level of truth telling by me.
New drug.
One (low) dose of fluvoxamine down.
Hours later: paralytic sleep, the kind where you know you are asleep but can’t move and can’t wake up.
Woken up by nausea. At the same time, phone call from work.
Vomit for 15 minutes, not very successfully. Do not feel better. (It’s central [...]

Today something happened to me that never happened before.

I got reprimanded at work.
I apologize for the quality of this post ahead…I’m too tired and my brain is too fried to write well. Here’s what happened.
The last few weeks went surprisingly smoothly, the anger was under control, I was performing ok, and things seemed to be moving along reasonably considering being off all meds. [...]

Psych Meds I Have Taken

Someone recently  blogged a full list, I thought it was kind of interesting, so once again, I’m bumping a substantial post down the ladder for this one. Here is my list; feel free to add your own:

Prozac (when it was new and pretty  much the only thing on the market)
Zoloft
Nortriptyline (my wonder drug, which I [...]

Physical Versus Mental Illness

In an unpublished email, Milo wrote this comment to me:
Personally speaking, i passed a kidney stone last year, and being dead honest here, i’d  much rather the physical illness than having a paranoid episode… i really really do. i tell you one thing Sara, the pain was absolutely horrendous, but no one laughed at me. [...]

Link

Things here are mostly the same, maybe slightly better since I’m working back at my main hospital, mood more or less stable, but in a slow decline. Physical health also taxing and on top of it, a massive viral infection (winter in the ER, joy to the world), but whatever. I can deal a lot [...]

Does long-term, non-remitting mental illness need a psychiatrist?

Over at Vicarious Therapy, Aqua is really upset about an article by the Canadian Psychiatric Association. She says that it basically justifies dumping chronically mentally ill people out of the system.
I’m not sure I agree with her interpretation of the article, but I can see why she is offended. But I’m  not. I think they [...]

My Answer to the Commenters

I started to put this in the comments and then just decided to post it as a regular post, because it was turning into one in length.
Thanks for writing, everyone. Thank you especially 5150 for reminding me that it will fade. I kept telling myself that during the worst of it…that it wouldn’t be forever [...]

Fear and Hope and Wellbutrin

For a day or two, I thought it was working well – not well, but it seemed like suddenly I fell back into myself, which is a strange expression, but only by becoming me again, I realized how swallowed up by this monster I had been, how lost I was. I speculate: where was I [...]

Doubt

I just got off one of those hellacious emergency room shifts. And now I am torturing myself. Did I miss a subtle stroke? Send away a 19 year old who fainted who will later go into cardiac arrest?
I am not sure how much of this is me and how much is the drug and how [...]

Scared, but back

I am slowly turning human again. A human that has to live in the dark, yes, but human nonetheless. But I don’t feel well. And I start a new job this week, and my first night is a 30 hour shift.
I really wish I had tried to delay starting by another month. But no one [...]

And then…things you don’t want to hear your doctor say

come morning, my bedmate started yelling, “Your eyes! Your eyes! What the fuck happened to your eyes? You look like a fucking alien!”
So I wait until it’s a decent hour, then call the shrink. “Whaaaaat?” he says. “Really? I’m going to have to go Google that and get back to you.”
Mydriasis, or my pupils got [...]

Shrink’s Line of the Day (edited)

Me: I don’t want to do any med changing until after I take the boards next week. At least my mind is okay right now.
Shrink: What happens if you move the date?
Me: I don’t think I can at this late notice. (Note: I never said anything about moving any boards. I had no such thoughts.)
Shrink: [...]

Why did I even say it? Fuck

I had to say things were better. I just had to.
Now I’m with no sleep, constant suicidal fantasies and plans, writhing around in physical dis-ease, and nothing is working.
And I’m afraid to call the shrink because he’ll say this amped up state is from the desipramine and make me quit it. I think it’s more [...]

Going on two weeks of lithium

It’s definitely better than it was. The pills aren’t hitting me as hard, though I’m still having a hard time taking even 600 a day. I have slowly been able to do a little bit more. Nothing academic, nothing that requires my brain, but I’m not as paralyzed as I was.
The one thing I am [...]