On Chronic Depression and Myth

One of the things that occurs a lot in the mentally ill, especially, thought not exclusively, in the mood disordered, is that a mood episode is treated with medication, and the cycling of moods is stopped, yet the person remains miserable, suicidal, even, and suffers a lingering handicap. In the world of psychiatry, this is [...]

Still alive, beyond comfort of man or spirit

Thank you to everyone who left me comments or emails or anything. All much appreciated. Sorry I haven’t written back.
I am, indeed, still alive. In fact, the longer days are making some things easier. But I don’t feel better, am not getting better, am just biding time, this version of bardo, laced with apathy and [...]

Thanks for continuing to read

When a poster on a blog like this stops posting, usually one of two things has happened: either they’ve hit a significant remission and have somewhat lost interest in all things mental-health-related, or they have taken ill in a way that keeps them from writing, usually either a severe depression, hospitalization, apathy, or the black [...]

Don’t let me slip away

I want to write a post about a self-harm patient I saw last night. (Seriously – I guess the message for what I should be doing with my life is clear, medical treatment for crazies. I went maybe 9 months without seeing any psych patients and then this stretch of them just when I’m ready [...]

My Answer to the Commenters

I started to put this in the comments and then just decided to post it as a regular post, because it was turning into one in length.
Thanks for writing, everyone. Thank you especially 5150 for reminding me that it will fade. I kept telling myself that during the worst of it…that it wouldn’t be forever [...]

Sinking into a depression

It started really two weeks ago, was progressively getting worse. The last time I saw the (useless) shrink I mentioned it, to which his answer was, “The things that are bothering you are things that medication doesn’t treat anyway.” I am not sure what to say to something so unhelpful. Mostly because I know that [...]

In somnium veritas

I thought this blog was getting too self-centered, but it seems like people are likely to visit any blog that is regularly updated. So here’s a dream update. Why can’t I listen to my gut, my dreams? Especially when they tell me something I already know.
It’s the end of an appointment with the shitty shrink. [...]

Holding on, waiting for the thunder

So far, med free. The shrink called and is back from vacation, but I’m debating whether to go back or not. I really only need to if I decide to try meds again. So far, I don’t feel so great, and STILL having some withdrawal issues, but it is a little bit nice to remember [...]

Off All Meds, Cymbalta Withdrawal, and Waiting for Disaster

The shrink took a vacation (oh, August, the shrink vacation month…could anything be more irritatingly stereotypical?), thus leaving me with the worst physical withdrawal I could imagine. Seriously, could heroin be worse than this? The lesson out of all of this: never, ever quit Cymbalta! For the past few days, I have been having complete [...]

On further reflection and the rest of the story

Today in the light of day, I still had the kick in the nuts feeling about it. But I made an appointment to go back…and just chill out. And explain why I feel so fucking betrayed. I did realize that part of it is just like what my father used to do to me. He [...]

Psychiatry claims another victim

…or Dona Juana falls for it again.
I have been having a really horrible week. So horrible, in fact, that almost every night on call I get to a point where it is difficult to avoid thinking about suicide seriously…climbing up to the top of a tall building and jumping. I have been inconsolable. I haven’t [...]

It’s all coming back to me now

It is so strange how you can be okay for a while, enjoy life, live normally, and then, just when you breathe, overnight it all comes back. You’re crazy again, hurt again, suicidal again.
I must admit, even though I went back to an old, previously successful drug routine, I haven’t really stabilized out. How do [...]

Mixed states?

I can’t sit still and can’t find anything to do, having finished a million projects today and now I am filled with an insatiable appetite for anything physical. Sex, food, violence, motion. I forgot how strange a trip it is from starting medication to the phase where you are balanced again. Crossing all sorts of [...]

Adverse Effects: Effexor

Yesterday mid-day I took the first dose of 75 mg extended release Effexor. Since then I can’t sleep, am shaking with my teeth chattering, want to throw up, and have bad akisthisia (when you can’t keep still) and racing thoughts. My eyes hurt inside and are fuzzy. Every muscle in my body is screaming. [...]

My Dealer and I

A nice surprise. No lamotrigine, no carbemazepine, actually he came up with the idea of trying Effexor alone. I was sort of surprised, as it was his first suggestion and I was okay with it. So I’ve already taken the first pill. It has made me feel a little spacey and pukey, but that’s alright. [...]