Yet another Shrink’s Line of the Day

Yesterday I decide that I feel bad about quitting the shrink all abruptly and in a rage. That I didn’t want to end like that, if just out of politeness. I really wanted to call and leave a message apologizing, and wishing him a happy holiday. I said that I was going to be the [...]

Enough

I finally wrote what I thought was a reasonable letter to the shrink, since he never seemed to hear what I said…about how I can’t live in the dark about what is wrong with me or how to fix it, that I was deeply hurt and concerned about the borderline thing, etc. I hoped that [...]

Still alive, beyond comfort of man or spirit

Thank you to everyone who left me comments or emails or anything. All much appreciated. Sorry I haven’t written back.
I am, indeed, still alive. In fact, the longer days are making some things easier. But I don’t feel better, am not getting better, am just biding time, this version of bardo, laced with apathy and [...]

Here we go again

New appointment.
New level of truth telling by me.
New drug.
One (low) dose of fluvoxamine down.
Hours later: paralytic sleep, the kind where you know you are asleep but can’t move and can’t wake up.
Woken up by nausea. At the same time, phone call from work.
Vomit for 15 minutes, not very successfully. Do not feel better. (It’s central [...]

Today something happened to me that never happened before.

I got reprimanded at work.
I apologize for the quality of this post ahead…I’m too tired and my brain is too fried to write well. Here’s what happened.
The last few weeks went surprisingly smoothly, the anger was under control, I was performing ok, and things seemed to be moving along reasonably considering being off all meds. [...]

Does long-term, non-remitting mental illness need a psychiatrist?

Over at Vicarious Therapy, Aqua is really upset about an article by the Canadian Psychiatric Association. She says that it basically justifies dumping chronically mentally ill people out of the system.
I’m not sure I agree with her interpretation of the article, but I can see why she is offended. But I’m  not. I think they [...]

My Answer to the Commenters

I started to put this in the comments and then just decided to post it as a regular post, because it was turning into one in length.
Thanks for writing, everyone. Thank you especially 5150 for reminding me that it will fade. I kept telling myself that during the worst of it…that it wouldn’t be forever [...]

More hurtful psychiatry

I went to another appointment today, partly to get meds, partly to try to have some kind of useful session. I am in a shitty work environment now, and it’s bothering me, but I didn’t want to waste time talking about it because it is temporary, but he kept poking at that, and once again, [...]

I have a secret

This is the kind of thing I never admit. Not hardhearted, icy, witchy I.
Now, unmedicated, working so hard late into the night and into the madrugada, when I feel desparate, tired, worn-out and broken down at not even thirty, late in the dark, sometimes when I close my eyes but am too tired to sleep, [...]

Psychiatry claims another victim

…or Dona Juana falls for it again.
I have been having a really horrible week. So horrible, in fact, that almost every night on call I get to a point where it is difficult to avoid thinking about suicide seriously…climbing up to the top of a tall building and jumping. I have been inconsolable. I haven’t [...]

My Dealer and I

A nice surprise. No lamotrigine, no carbemazepine, actually he came up with the idea of trying Effexor alone. I was sort of surprised, as it was his first suggestion and I was okay with it. So I’ve already taken the first pill. It has made me feel a little spacey and pukey, but that’s alright. [...]

Why did I even say it? Fuck

I had to say things were better. I just had to.
Now I’m with no sleep, constant suicidal fantasies and plans, writhing around in physical dis-ease, and nothing is working.
And I’m afraid to call the shrink because he’ll say this amped up state is from the desipramine and make me quit it. I think it’s more [...]

Vitamin L for me

I will post a longer update later. I actually wrote a fairly long piece about how this got me, but not in English. I will try to translate it some other time.
Leave me a comment or a mail if all the details of the shrink appointment are interesting. I wrote some of them in an [...]

And this is how I lose my mind

The appointment is tomorrow. This waiting is driving me crazy. I am feeling both giddy and silly, never a good sign, and not sleeping. Physically, I feel horrific from not having enough of my good drugs in me.
And this morning, I woke up and needed to consult something I wrote a couple of years ago, [...]

Brought Low

I am not sure what to write. I am taking a low dose antidepressant now, but in the dead of winter, that isn’t enough. Of course, the prescribed dose is, but I can’t take that because I can’t take the side effects.
A funny thing is that before I ever took anything, when I felt really [...]