Don’t let me slip away

I want to write a post about a self-harm patient I saw last night. (Seriously – I guess the message for what I should be doing with my life is clear, medical treatment for crazies. I went maybe 9 months without seeing any psych patients and then this stretch of them just when I’m ready [...]

In which I fall back into my life

I know, I know, terrible to tempt fate. But it seems that the lithium + Wellbutrin combo is working. I’m not 100%, not even 50%. But I am not bat-shit crazy right now, and that brings both tremendous relief and tremendous horror at how I have acted over the past year. All the flying into [...]

Fear and Hope and Wellbutrin

For a day or two, I thought it was working well – not well, but it seemed like suddenly I fell back into myself, which is a strange expression, but only by becoming me again, I realized how swallowed up by this monster I had been, how lost I was. I speculate: where was I [...]

In somnium veritas

I thought this blog was getting too self-centered, but it seems like people are likely to visit any blog that is regularly updated. So here’s a dream update. Why can’t I listen to my gut, my dreams? Especially when they tell me something I already know.
It’s the end of an appointment with the shitty shrink. [...]

Off All Meds, Cymbalta Withdrawal, and Waiting for Disaster

The shrink took a vacation (oh, August, the shrink vacation month…could anything be more irritatingly stereotypical?), thus leaving me with the worst physical withdrawal I could imagine. Seriously, could heroin be worse than this? The lesson out of all of this: never, ever quit Cymbalta! For the past few days, I have been having complete [...]

It’s all coming back to me now

It is so strange how you can be okay for a while, enjoy life, live normally, and then, just when you breathe, overnight it all comes back. You’re crazy again, hurt again, suicidal again.
I must admit, even though I went back to an old, previously successful drug routine, I haven’t really stabilized out. How do [...]

Mixed states?

I can’t sit still and can’t find anything to do, having finished a million projects today and now I am filled with an insatiable appetite for anything physical. Sex, food, violence, motion. I forgot how strange a trip it is from starting medication to the phase where you are balanced again. Crossing all sorts of [...]

Adverse Effects: Effexor

Yesterday mid-day I took the first dose of 75 mg extended release Effexor. Since then I can’t sleep, am shaking with my teeth chattering, want to throw up, and have bad akisthisia (when you can’t keep still) and racing thoughts. My eyes hurt inside and are fuzzy. Every muscle in my body is screaming. [...]

Crappy Birthday to Me

Yesterday was my birthday. No, I didn’t do anything special. The boyfriend made me a nice cake and was warm. But I can’t seem to control this rage, this inquietude, this undermedicated-ness that is casting a dark shadow over everything.
I am not taking enough medication. Obviously. But the doc won’t let me take more, because [...]

Vitamin L for me

I will post a longer update later. I actually wrote a fairly long piece about how this got me, but not in English. I will try to translate it some other time.
Leave me a comment or a mail if all the details of the shrink appointment are interesting. I wrote some of them in an [...]

And this is how I lose my mind

The appointment is tomorrow. This waiting is driving me crazy. I am feeling both giddy and silly, never a good sign, and not sleeping. Physically, I feel horrific from not having enough of my good drugs in me.
And this morning, I woke up and needed to consult something I wrote a couple of years ago, [...]

I finally talked

Last night, it was funny, I was working at a site, and Jake was working at another site really nearby, and neither of us had any real work to do, so I came over to his workplace, because it was empty and quiet, and also had heat, while mine did not.
He told me his wife [...]

Slippage

The title, of course, being a reference to the short story collection and not the financial term.
I am slipping again. Semi-quit the meds, because of the same side effects, and I spent the weekend with a headache so bad it had me writhing in pain, even dreaming of headaches, until in the middle of the [...]

Long time, no write

Yeah, I’ve been busy, sort of. Up and down, as usual, that same sort of sadhappysad that only people with an unlucky constitution or set of stars can know. In my main career, the one I keep trying to buy stability with, I’ve only been half-assing it. Fortunately, I’ve been lucky so far and not [...]

And I’m high again

It feels good, actually, except for the no sleep part, and maybe the slight misuse of stimulants to keep it going. I am a little worried about what I know will come later – the crash, but for now, I’m alive so fuck it all.
That’s why I haven’t written on this blog; I’ve been amazingly [...]