Shrink’s Line of the Day (edited)

Me: I don’t want to do any med changing until after I take the boards next week. At least my mind is okay right now.
Shrink: What happens if you move the date?
Me: I don’t think I can at this late notice. (Note: I never said anything about moving any boards. I had no such thoughts.)
Shrink: [...]

Crappy Birthday to Me

Yesterday was my birthday. No, I didn’t do anything special. The boyfriend made me a nice cake and was warm. But I can’t seem to control this rage, this inquietude, this undermedicated-ness that is casting a dark shadow over everything.
I am not taking enough medication. Obviously. But the doc won’t let me take more, because [...]

More search engine terms

Even though I just did this, there have been a few that popped up in the past few days that are so worth posting:
i lost my ego
why i hate psychiatry
even my shadow is jealous my skin is mad
feelingless bipolar 
escape life seclude depression
The runner-up for best search term:
are psychiatrists strange
And my favorite:
what asshole i am

More shame, at the end of which my heart just breaks

Today I had to check drug levels. This involved a tremendous amount of humiliation. All morning I was angry. Now I am just heartsick.
The doctor tried to do me a favor by talking to the clinical lab director about if they could order the test through the clinic and send it over, saving me from [...]

Inspired by BPLC

As always, brilliant describes BipolarLawyerCook. Inspired by that, here are my old friends. It isn’t that they are necessarily my absolute favorite books ever, but when you move countries often, most of your stuff gets left behind and you are constantly starting over. If I really need a book, I usually have to replace it. [...]

More psychiatrist fun

I haven’t updated because I’ve been sunken into the worst depression I’ve had in years. It is so hard to remember that just three months ago I was fine. I am sorry I ever thought to change meds, even with the side effects.
But I’m also tortured by the sneaking idea that those 4 years I [...]

Since I am far, far too fried to write

I thought I’d put up a list of some of the search terms people used to get here. I always enjoy it when people do that:
how make appointment psychiatrist (and many similar ones ie “what happens at a psychiatrist appointment” – believe me, not all are like mine)
lithium suicidal thoughts (yep)
does lithium take away joy [...]

Shrink’s Line of the Day

Shrink: It’s sad to see you like this, in such bad shape.
Me: (no fucking idea what to say)

Why did I even say it? Fuck

I had to say things were better. I just had to.
Now I’m with no sleep, constant suicidal fantasies and plans, writhing around in physical dis-ease, and nothing is working.
And I’m afraid to call the shrink because he’ll say this amped up state is from the desipramine and make me quit it. I think it’s more [...]

The No-Lithium Update

Physical comedy hijinx aside, I do feel about a million times better just a couple of days off lithium. In fact, now I think I’m getting the residual good effect without the hi-larious accidents.
The new med plan, which I managed to weasel him into, is desipramine. It was that or duloxetine, which to me looks [...]