Where to go for support

A good friend who has been following this latest drama suggested I look for some internet forums for support or something. A good idea, in theory.
The problem is when you actually get there, those forums are full of people whose issues are so different, so much deeper. Their lists of meds are the “shut the [...]

Freak out

Somehow I let myself fall asleep on the couch for about 4 hours. It was going to be a short nap, but then I couldn’t get up. My whole fucking body felt stuck.
Of course, the one other side effect this med has is sleep paralysis for me. So I had that for a long time. [...]

Continued…

Have I lost my mind? The one-third of a daily dose that I took yesterday because the withdrawal was so bad did me so much good. I slept like a human being. I got up today to work like normal. My body stopped hurting (except for my face). So why am I stopping?
I think the [...]

Scared

I’m off meds now for about two weeks. Things are getting scary. I wake up at 3:30 AM. I itch all over. I am having serious withdrawal. Today I had to take just 1/3 of a dose, just to sort of make it stop.
I talked to my regular doc about this. He tried to give [...]

Anxiety

Today I made and ate almost a whole lasagna. A friend ate too, but I ate most of it. Any weight loss I had from the last three months of hard work is going to be GONE.
It’s the middle of the night. I just got up and ran for half an hour. I was that [...]

Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh

Last night I exercised hard. I slept almost all day, did almost nothing. I slept outside a bit, got a lot of sunshine at least. Tried going for an exercise walk with a friend, but was just too slowed. But somehow, in the evening, I managed to drag myself onto the machine, and also do [...]

Why

Now that blogger seems to be working better, I thought I’d go on a little about why, now. What are the things weighing on me at this moment?
I feel like I am a million years old. Not old in a physical sense, but old in that I’ve lived so hard, so extreme, so much. I’m [...]

I will never do that again

Dammit. I wrote this morning that things seemed better. They kind of did. I ate today. I worked out hard. But now, it’s all back. I will never tempt fate again, be proven to punish me.
So I’m back, googling “how to tell my friends about a suicide attempt” or “my depression” or whatever. They don’t [...]

On Mom

I love my mother, I love the way she raised me (the lassez-faire approach to parenting). We are great friends. BUT I cannot tell her about my problems in this field.
When I’m feeling more gracious toward her, I can understand, sort of (I don’t have kids), how it might be hard to know your kid [...]

Better?

I spent most of the last two days just lying in bed. The funny thing is, they always tell depressed people to keep doing stuff, but I’ve found that sometimes, if you just give in all the way, lie in bed (not in the dark though – with plenty of sunlight), even if you can’t [...]

Answer to comment

Thanks for the comments. I’m surprised anyone is reading this at all. I almost didn’t intend it to be read; I was just writing into the void. But it’s nice to see that people stumble in on Blogger anyway.
About the answer to the first comment on the last post (and thank you for commenting and [...]

But then…

after a post like today’s, I wonder. Is it really possible to fool all of the people all of the time? Am I deceiving myself about the cracks that are showing? Does anyone have any idea?

The problem when everyone thinks you’re made of iron

is that you’re really not, and when it shows, people don’t even recognize it for what it is. They think you’re just being bitchy or something. They never even stop to think that maybe you’re breakable too.
Like today, when I finally came home after holding it together all day, and I just crashed onto the [...]

Survival Tip For Today

This is something I wish I’d learned a long time (and a lot of money) ago.
Shrinks aren’t that helpful, beyond drugs. Seeking roots of problems and so on, after a certain point, is a waste of time. It’s biological, you idiot. And even if it isn’t, the whole idea that “knowing” why you do something [...]

Jekyll and Hyde

I went back to read this blog and see what it looks like so far as a whole. (As far as I can tell, no one else has looked at it yet.) The funny thing I noticed is that the post “On Suicidal Thoughts” was written when I was undoubtedly high. In fact, I wrote [...]